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Me.... [Apr. 17th, 2006|12:54 pm]
Feeling so much better than I was. I don't like the word 'better' but I suppose my life has improved considerably.

My career is going really really well. More so than I originally thought. I have been approached by other publications too to write and take photographs for them. I have made more friends, more contacts, more people to hang out with and more busyness.

I need it. It seems to be working well. Only types of people I have been avoiding are those who seem to have ex issues and where I resemble the ex!

I try not to be a fruedian fuck wherever possible.

Still not like I have been fucking in massive quantities of late either. I'm more interested in career. Flirting is important though, but it seems if I like someone I get shy anyway. I can never tell the I like them, or at the very least find it hard. I don't wanna be called lame or them to be "well that's nice but you ming" or whatever.

People....too much hassle sometimes!

Been out so much in the last week....loving it. Dirty Red Ball was loadsa fun, as was Misshapes after.

Last night I went to Motherfucker....havent been for absolutely ages. The djing as always was really cool, loved hanging out in a house with some people after too. All in all was fun.

Today I have a meal with my parents, should be nice. I don't see them both together very much. Only way for me to know Alistair is to see him more. Basically I have seem him about 20 times since they have been together (a year) I still feel I am a financial transaction a lot of the time. But at least I am proving myself he can see I'm not a bum or a liberty taking freeloader.
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whatever [Mar. 28th, 2006|12:35 am]

Cloud of interests for cleo_darkeyedcleo_darkeyed

alcohol atheism autism bar wotever bed being a loser being a winner black bloc party boosh britney as a slut campness champagne chillies cider cigarettes club motherfucker clubbing cocaine conversation cute girl watching dean street debating discussion boards dreaming drinking drinking without thinking drugs dvds final fantasy friends g-a-y bar gigs gingerbeer girls in my bed goth girls gym hair products i pod internet jack daniels juice killers kitsch late night conversation le tigre love lovers. lucien lust marxism media player mental masochism milo msn muse noodle soup padlock necklaces peaches people personless centred planning philosophy photography poncy lunches popbitch pornstar names posing questions without answers random girls randomness salad secret bars slutz stars stripes suicide girls system of a down tacky horoscope books tattoos thinking trash palace twinkleydooooooooo wine women writing

Get yours!

Created by lazy_nekolazy_neko
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This week is really taking the piss now. [Mar. 21st, 2006|11:08 pm]
[mood |anxiousanxious]

My mum is in hospital. I dunno what to do. I'm shaking like fuck at the moment. She collapsed started puking non stop then passed out. Now she is apparantly hooked up to a machine. My step dad wasn't very specific. Only to say that he isn't flying back now. He will fly back when he knows she is ok.

I feel really useless. I can't talk to her, can't see her and feel really shit.

I really hope she is ok. The last thing I need right now is anything bad happening to her.

fuck fuck fuck!

Day two of more tears. I had some time with a friend today which was nice though.

I jjust fread what wednesday has in store for me now. I want to hide. I also want something not to be crying about. This is exhausting me
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Fuck up me! [Mar. 21st, 2006|01:06 am]
[mood |depresseddepressed]
[music |Heartbeats-Jose Gonzales]

That was me. Monday was horrible. I spent most of it sobbing. It started when I woke up, I felt crap pre menstrual etc. My Mum called. She said she was sad to hear me upset, I then said how much I was looking forward to seeing her then came the pause and the "That's what I was phoning to tell you, I'm staying on in Goa a bit longer"

Great. More tears followed! Stupid of me to cry. I just miss her, her hugs her way of rebalancing me. She brings me comfort. I then sent her an email. Outlining everything that is wrong. One thing that has happened recently I didn't disclose to her over email, but will have to tell her face to face.

I feel so fucking lonely right now, it's difficult. I feel like everything in me has just been ripped out, spattered all over the place and I know what I need to do but won't. Something inside me right now feels dead. I gloss over things too much. I'm always being liked a cracked bit of something doing the yeah i'm fine, I'm ok. Me no I'm cool I can cope tra la la la

Here is a clifftop maybe I should jump off it now?

I'm such a loser.

Then event number two happens....I got a message from a uni mate asking about an essay. I thought it was due for next week. Then realised that I'd muddled up my dates. Basically term ends this week, I thought it was next week. I have 4 pieces plus photos to have in. The written essays I have done nada on! I'm fucked. 3 of them I now have half marks on because they are late. Nice one Cleo, you stupid fuck up.

I cried more, I have nearly 5000 words to complete by Friday. I can't believe how out of it my head is at the moment. I feel like a failure and that the targets I have set myself, my step dads watching eye and basically my own stupidity is making me destroy what is meant to be a clear path for myself.

I was so annoyed with myself.

Then I realised an article I was writing for g3 mag I hadn't saved properly. So had to rewrite it and that is now late too.

I'm a fuck up there as well.

It took me ages to re write due to fact that by then my tears and anxiety levels started peaking and I couldn't get off the floor, literally. A friend of my mums came over. (she must have phoned him). He was really nice, I don't know him too well but he is ok. He made me get up, get dressed (was in a dressing gown) and go for a walk with him.

I was still crying by then, we had coffee....still crying.

Other than day I split with Lisa don't think I have cried as much as that in a long time.

I really hate feeling like this, I feel so pathetic, I know I must sound pathetic and whiney too. Not exactly someone that people would respect or wanna be around. Again just feel that everyone abandons me, and doesn't wanna be near me.
I exhaust those who love me, I exhaust myself.

One thing that does seem apparant....love and me are a disaster zone. I should be over being dumped by now. Just as people haven't been what I have been looking for I need to accept that I will not alays be for them either. Just as in life sometimes you will love people more than they love you and vice versa.

Fucking emotions and fucking PMT just don't help.

I'm also going to stay in and hermit more. I think this is wise. I don't like person i am right now and don't think the outside world would like it either.
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I behaved [Mar. 19th, 2006|04:59 am]
I did.

I went out and didn't get drunk, nor have thoughts of pulling or sexual attention as my agenda or even cravings. I would prefer just to be hugged. I'm feeling really fragile at the moment. I can't seem to liken the the thought of another person on me at the moment. I'm still in Love.
Part of me wishes I wasn't but I am. Hence why for sensibility sake I feel it's best that I avoid things a bit. I don't want to hurt other people and I don't want to hurt myself.
I don't like the emptiness of feeling used. More to the point making myself a plaything. Of a recent one night stand type thing I had, it was great as the person is someone I respect and can converse with and they didn't seem to want to cling to me. They have their own endeavours and stuff on the go at the moment and they are emotionally mature.

Something in me has clicked.

I just feel like hiding away right at this moment. I'm aching slightly and feeling things I've never felt before. Part of me wishes I had an open relationship with Lisa. She is still the first person I wake up thinking about, if she texts me I feel happy, If I'm due to meet her I feel excited and cheerful. It sucks.

She hasn't done anything wrong. In many ways I'm glad she made her decision when she did. Its just the consequent emotions that fucking hurt. Rejection in any form wounds someone. I'm feeling it now. As of late I have been feeling it. The questions that enter the mind but will never be said, because I already kinda know the answer. It's pointless me turning to her and saying "why wasn't I good enough" or "did you ever really love me or were you saying it because I said it to you and you were humouring me....or you liked the IDEA?"

I've got my pride. I felt so bad for seeming cold towards her, but part of me had to do it a bit. I've had to tell myself she doesn't want me fawning all over her. We are friends. Friends only do that when they are drunk, or one of them is upset...generally. When I go to sleep alone I still cry for her. I met some people tonight that were pushing me to try and pull people. I told them I wasn't interested. I also didn't like the attitude of treating women like they were something of a bit of sport. My ego is down enough at the moment without added things of deliberately mistreating people for fuelling my ego. I just don't see it as right.

I've been such a twat lately. My Mum gave me a massive bollocking down the phone the other day. I deserved it and needed it. I have also had some support from Lisa, but obviously can't tell her the whole thing. I've thought about it, but I can't do it. Not just yet. Time, place and headspace. None of which seem right at the moment.

I can see me hiding off scene soon and just hiding a bit in general. Well thats my in theory plan. Given my plans and what I actualy do seem to be two very separate things at the moment.

I wish I wasn't such a fuck up. I wish i could go to sleep and not wake up. I wish I wish i fucking wish, the whine of my existence it seems.

I'm trying to hold it together but I'm cracking. I'm scared and I feel very lonely at the moment. Inside.

Still I have plenty of sedatives. They help me sleep better and escape.

I know I'm weak.
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I asked for it [Mar. 10th, 2006|10:31 am]
I spent almost two hours in a&e last night/this morning. I was punched in the face by a tramp. Fortunately it was the nose, and fortunately no apparant bruising is there, just feeling a bit tender. I will be completely honest, I did kinda ask for it.

I told a tramp to fuck off and die. I was pissed at the time. Naturally a boff to the face followed and my face was covered in blood. A stranger in the street walked me to UCH and then buggered off. I didn't expect them to stay nor really wanted them to. I didn't bother phoning any friends as it was just a nosebleed. Yeah a heavy one, and most likely heavy because I'd been drinking.

Police were called when I got there gave details etc. Bu couldn't remember what he looked like and I was honest. I admitted that I was drunk and was rude. I'm not usually rude but remembering that three other tramp types had hassled me prior to the punch in ths face dude. By then I think I'd lost patience, and was arrogant and rude.

I'm not usualy like that but tonight I had enough, was annoyed at the thought of any type of demand and yeah I snapped. So in essence I did deserve what came next.

I am fucking priviledged. I have a roof, food, weekly money and can do more or less what I please. Being rude was not only bad manners but highly selfish.

Just because I felt drunk and annoyed that the night wasn't a night I felt that I was liked highly or one that I felt was going well should not have resulted in me getting more dunk than I was then being rude to someone who has nothing. I am disappointed in myself.

I am pissed off with my friend, she made a big song and dance about me coming to soho, when on meeting we hadly spoke and she went off with the person she planned on going with. I will not regard her as a good friend but more of a person that is using me for their own means. I was her alibi for her actions. I'm not entirely happy with that position. When feeling first waves of being drunk I should have just gone home to bed, but place I was I felt an urge to detatch myself from.

I don't feel angry or sorry for myself. I feel I have no right to be so. I just have to accept what has happened and eat a litle humble pie. I fucked up and have to accept that and deal with it alone.

Which in many ways isn't so bad

Just something I move on from and sort out. I'm never usually rude to people either.

Silly silly me.
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Doors [Mar. 8th, 2006|04:50 pm]
I had a rather embarassing encounter with some swing doors at uni today.

I was thinking about sex. Well a particular scenario in my head and wasn't paying attention to the doors. I was walloped full on in the face and nearly fell backwards. People laughed, I tried a goth scowl but it came out looking more like a poofter pout.

Pride dented aside, today has been pretty good.
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....................... [Feb. 20th, 2006|11:18 pm]
I want you to hold me
But only in your memories
That’s a place where you find it ok

That’s where I can be what you wanted

An ideal

A dream

The reality is boring
It dawns on you that you are free

Oxygen inhaling
My significance exhaling

You are now at one
Good luck in your search

The person you want
Will now crawl to your knees

I will make my flight
Making an eye at a new moon
Orbiting that
Making myself further from you

I wanted you to want me

That isn’t how your heart felt

I am the one that is a temporary fix
The thing that will do

Not the lasting legacy
Nor the one you wake with

I bid you no malice
Nor contempt
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About Blank [Feb. 15th, 2006|04:15 pm]
[mood |melancholymelancholy]
[music |Megalomania-Muse]

I feel really empty at the moment. Must be my predisposition to the blues. I feel mentally worn at the moment. I'm not functioning, I feel really lonely today although I chat to people etc see people out and about.

I just want to crawl under something and be cuddled. I spend some of my time puttimg a brave face on things, keeping bravado and an exterior but inside I feel as if I'm crumbling. I have such a self destructive thing going on at the moment too. I just don't care about myself. I don't care is I don't eat, I don't sleep. I just find better ways ofd escaping from who I am. I put on my fake smiley face when I'm out and about and then cry myself to sleep (when I do go) on return. It's futile. I've been doing this for weeks now, my mood swings are not improving either.

Valentines day sucked. I was expecting it to be crap and I think I was roght. Going out to places that were full yet carried an air of emptiness suited my mood perfectly. I even found a quiet bar last night playing radiohead and blues music. Self indulgent melancholy I suppose I consumed like a greasy bag of chips at the end of a drunken night.

I'm absolutely pathetic in mood at the moment. Don't seem tobe able to interract or speak with people well as I spend the whole time masking how shit I'm feeling. So I blog it out, drink it out and smoke it back down.

This will pass, I'm sure I'll feel better soon. Since Monday everything feels like it hurts. But the silent pain. Like a ringing in the ears, it's there and I don't know how to deal with it. No one else understands me, they think I'm weird wingey and pathetic. I too am thinking that too.

I want to take loadsa drugs and stop being me. People seem to prefer that person to the person now blogging.
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foul mood [Feb. 13th, 2006|05:45 pm]
I'm in one now.

Think its PMT and feeling really tired. I hate it when I'm like this.

Why can't I be normal and just be calm or alternatively feel nothing. No wonder why I will spend most of my life alone. It's not attractive and I feel so segragated from everyone and everything at this exact moment. It's sucky stupid and pointless. As am I it seems.
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