|Fuck up me!
||[Mar. 21st, 2006|01:06 am]
That was me. Monday was horrible. I spent most of it sobbing. It started when I woke up, I felt crap pre menstrual etc. My Mum called. She said she was sad to hear me upset, I then said how much I was looking forward to seeing her then came the pause and the "That's what I was phoning to tell you, I'm staying on in Goa a bit longer"
Great. More tears followed! Stupid of me to cry. I just miss her, her hugs her way of rebalancing me. She brings me comfort. I then sent her an email. Outlining everything that is wrong. One thing that has happened recently I didn't disclose to her over email, but will have to tell her face to face.
I feel so fucking lonely right now, it's difficult. I feel like everything in me has just been ripped out, spattered all over the place and I know what I need to do but won't. Something inside me right now feels dead. I gloss over things too much. I'm always being liked a cracked bit of something doing the yeah i'm fine, I'm ok. Me no I'm cool I can cope tra la la la
Here is a clifftop maybe I should jump off it now?
I'm such a loser.
Then event number two happens....I got a message from a uni mate asking about an essay. I thought it was due for next week. Then realised that I'd muddled up my dates. Basically term ends this week, I thought it was next week. I have 4 pieces plus photos to have in. The written essays I have done nada on! I'm fucked. 3 of them I now have half marks on because they are late. Nice one Cleo, you stupid fuck up.
I cried more, I have nearly 5000 words to complete by Friday. I can't believe how out of it my head is at the moment. I feel like a failure and that the targets I have set myself, my step dads watching eye and basically my own stupidity is making me destroy what is meant to be a clear path for myself.
I was so annoyed with myself.
Then I realised an article I was writing for g3 mag I hadn't saved properly. So had to rewrite it and that is now late too.
I'm a fuck up there as well.
It took me ages to re write due to fact that by then my tears and anxiety levels started peaking and I couldn't get off the floor, literally. A friend of my mums came over. (she must have phoned him). He was really nice, I don't know him too well but he is ok. He made me get up, get dressed (was in a dressing gown) and go for a walk with him.
I was still crying by then, we had coffee....still crying.
Other than day I split with Lisa don't think I have cried as much as that in a long time.
I really hate feeling like this, I feel so pathetic, I know I must sound pathetic and whiney too. Not exactly someone that people would respect or wanna be around. Again just feel that everyone abandons me, and doesn't wanna be near me.
I exhaust those who love me, I exhaust myself.
One thing that does seem apparant....love and me are a disaster zone. I should be over being dumped by now. Just as people haven't been what I have been looking for I need to accept that I will not alays be for them either. Just as in life sometimes you will love people more than they love you and vice versa.
Fucking emotions and fucking PMT just don't help.
I'm also going to stay in and hermit more. I think this is wise. I don't like person i am right now and don't think the outside world would like it either.