| Me.... |
[Apr. 17th, 2006|12:54 pm] |
Feeling so much better than I was. I don't like the word 'better' but I suppose my life has improved considerably.
My career is going really really well. More so than I originally thought. I have been approached by other publications too to write and take photographs for them. I have made more friends, more contacts, more people to hang out with and more busyness.
I need it. It seems to be working well. Only types of people I have been avoiding are those who seem to have ex issues and where I resemble the ex!
I try not to be a fruedian fuck wherever possible.
Still not like I have been fucking in massive quantities of late either. I'm more interested in career. Flirting is important though, but it seems if I like someone I get shy anyway. I can never tell the I like them, or at the very least find it hard. I don't wanna be called lame or them to be "well that's nice but you ming" or whatever.
People....too much hassle sometimes!
Been out so much in the last week....loving it. Dirty Red Ball was loadsa fun, as was Misshapes after.
Last night I went to Motherfucker....havent been for absolutely ages. The djing as always was really cool, loved hanging out in a house with some people after too. All in all was fun.
Today I have a meal with my parents, should be nice. I don't see them both together very much. Only way for me to know Alistair is to see him more. Basically I have seem him about 20 times since they have been together (a year) I still feel I am a financial transaction a lot of the time. But at least I am proving myself he can see I'm not a bum or a liberty taking freeloader. |
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| This week is really taking the piss now. |
[Mar. 21st, 2006|11:08 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  anxious | ] |
My mum is in hospital. I dunno what to do. I'm shaking like fuck at the moment. She collapsed started puking non stop then passed out. Now she is apparantly hooked up to a machine. My step dad wasn't very specific. Only to say that he isn't flying back now. He will fly back when he knows she is ok.
I feel really useless. I can't talk to her, can't see her and feel really shit.
I really hope she is ok. The last thing I need right now is anything bad happening to her.
fuck fuck fuck!
Day two of more tears. I had some time with a friend today which was nice though.
I jjust fread what wednesday has in store for me now. I want to hide. I also want something not to be crying about. This is exhausting me |
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| Fuck up me! |
[Mar. 21st, 2006|01:06 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Heartbeats-Jose Gonzales | ] |
That was me. Monday was horrible. I spent most of it sobbing. It started when I woke up, I felt crap pre menstrual etc. My Mum called. She said she was sad to hear me upset, I then said how much I was looking forward to seeing her then came the pause and the "That's what I was phoning to tell you, I'm staying on in Goa a bit longer"
Great. More tears followed! Stupid of me to cry. I just miss her, her hugs her way of rebalancing me. She brings me comfort. I then sent her an email. Outlining everything that is wrong. One thing that has happened recently I didn't disclose to her over email, but will have to tell her face to face.
I feel so fucking lonely right now, it's difficult. I feel like everything in me has just been ripped out, spattered all over the place and I know what I need to do but won't. Something inside me right now feels dead. I gloss over things too much. I'm always being liked a cracked bit of something doing the yeah i'm fine, I'm ok. Me no I'm cool I can cope tra la la la
Here is a clifftop maybe I should jump off it now?
I'm such a loser.
Then event number two happens....I got a message from a uni mate asking about an essay. I thought it was due for next week. Then realised that I'd muddled up my dates. Basically term ends this week, I thought it was next week. I have 4 pieces plus photos to have in. The written essays I have done nada on! I'm fucked. 3 of them I now have half marks on because they are late. Nice one Cleo, you stupid fuck up.
I cried more, I have nearly 5000 words to complete by Friday. I can't believe how out of it my head is at the moment. I feel like a failure and that the targets I have set myself, my step dads watching eye and basically my own stupidity is making me destroy what is meant to be a clear path for myself.
I was so annoyed with myself.
Then I realised an article I was writing for g3 mag I hadn't saved properly. So had to rewrite it and that is now late too.
I'm a fuck up there as well.
It took me ages to re write due to fact that by then my tears and anxiety levels started peaking and I couldn't get off the floor, literally. A friend of my mums came over. (she must have phoned him). He was really nice, I don't know him too well but he is ok. He made me get up, get dressed (was in a dressing gown) and go for a walk with him.
I was still crying by then, we had coffee....still crying.
Other than day I split with Lisa don't think I have cried as much as that in a long time.
I really hate feeling like this, I feel so pathetic, I know I must sound pathetic and whiney too. Not exactly someone that people would respect or wanna be around. Again just feel that everyone abandons me, and doesn't wanna be near me.
I exhaust those who love me, I exhaust myself.
One thing that does seem apparant....love and me are a disaster zone. I should be over being dumped by now. Just as people haven't been what I have been looking for I need to accept that I will not alays be for them either. Just as in life sometimes you will love people more than they love you and vice versa.
Fucking emotions and fucking PMT just don't help.
I'm also going to stay in and hermit more. I think this is wise. I don't like person i am right now and don't think the outside world would like it either. |
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| I behaved |
[Mar. 19th, 2006|04:59 am] |
I did.
I went out and didn't get drunk, nor have thoughts of pulling or sexual attention as my agenda or even cravings. I would prefer just to be hugged. I'm feeling really fragile at the moment. I can't seem to liken the the thought of another person on me at the moment. I'm still in Love.
Part of me wishes I wasn't but I am. Hence why for sensibility sake I feel it's best that I avoid things a bit. I don't want to hurt other people and I don't want to hurt myself.
I don't like the emptiness of feeling used. More to the point making myself a plaything. Of a recent one night stand type thing I had, it was great as the person is someone I respect and can converse with and they didn't seem to want to cling to me. They have their own endeavours and stuff on the go at the moment and they are emotionally mature.
Something in me has clicked.
I just feel like hiding away right at this moment. I'm aching slightly and feeling things I've never felt before. Part of me wishes I had an open relationship with Lisa. She is still the first person I wake up thinking about, if she texts me I feel happy, If I'm due to meet her I feel excited and cheerful. It sucks.
She hasn't done anything wrong. In many ways I'm glad she made her decision when she did. Its just the consequent emotions that fucking hurt. Rejection in any form wounds someone. I'm feeling it now. As of late I have been feeling it. The questions that enter the mind but will never be said, because I already kinda know the answer. It's pointless me turning to her and saying "why wasn't I good enough" or "did you ever really love me or were you saying it because I said it to you and you were humouring me....or you liked the IDEA?"
I've got my pride. I felt so bad for seeming cold towards her, but part of me had to do it a bit. I've had to tell myself she doesn't want me fawning all over her. We are friends. Friends only do that when they are drunk, or one of them is upset...generally. When I go to sleep alone I still cry for her. I met some people tonight that were pushing me to try and pull people. I told them I wasn't interested. I also didn't like the attitude of treating women like they were something of a bit of sport. My ego is down enough at the moment without added things of deliberately mistreating people for fuelling my ego. I just don't see it as right.
I've been such a twat lately. My Mum gave me a massive bollocking down the phone the other day. I deserved it and needed it. I have also had some support from Lisa, but obviously can't tell her the whole thing. I've thought about it, but I can't do it. Not just yet. Time, place and headspace. None of which seem right at the moment.
I can see me hiding off scene soon and just hiding a bit in general. Well thats my in theory plan. Given my plans and what I actualy do seem to be two very separate things at the moment.
I wish I wasn't such a fuck up. I wish i could go to sleep and not wake up. I wish I wish i fucking wish, the whine of my existence it seems.
I'm trying to hold it together but I'm cracking. I'm scared and I feel very lonely at the moment. Inside.
Still I have plenty of sedatives. They help me sleep better and escape.
I know I'm weak. |
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| I asked for it |
[Mar. 10th, 2006|10:31 am] |
I spent almost two hours in a&e last night/this morning. I was punched in the face by a tramp. Fortunately it was the nose, and fortunately no apparant bruising is there, just feeling a bit tender. I will be completely honest, I did kinda ask for it.
I told a tramp to fuck off and die. I was pissed at the time. Naturally a boff to the face followed and my face was covered in blood. A stranger in the street walked me to UCH and then buggered off. I didn't expect them to stay nor really wanted them to. I didn't bother phoning any friends as it was just a nosebleed. Yeah a heavy one, and most likely heavy because I'd been drinking.
Police were called when I got there gave details etc. Bu couldn't remember what he looked like and I was honest. I admitted that I was drunk and was rude. I'm not usually rude but remembering that three other tramp types had hassled me prior to the punch in ths face dude. By then I think I'd lost patience, and was arrogant and rude.
I'm not usualy like that but tonight I had enough, was annoyed at the thought of any type of demand and yeah I snapped. So in essence I did deserve what came next.
I am fucking priviledged. I have a roof, food, weekly money and can do more or less what I please. Being rude was not only bad manners but highly selfish.
Just because I felt drunk and annoyed that the night wasn't a night I felt that I was liked highly or one that I felt was going well should not have resulted in me getting more dunk than I was then being rude to someone who has nothing. I am disappointed in myself.
I am pissed off with my friend, she made a big song and dance about me coming to soho, when on meeting we hadly spoke and she went off with the person she planned on going with. I will not regard her as a good friend but more of a person that is using me for their own means. I was her alibi for her actions. I'm not entirely happy with that position. When feeling first waves of being drunk I should have just gone home to bed, but place I was I felt an urge to detatch myself from.
I don't feel angry or sorry for myself. I feel I have no right to be so. I just have to accept what has happened and eat a litle humble pie. I fucked up and have to accept that and deal with it alone.
Which in many ways isn't so bad
Just something I move on from and sort out. I'm never usually rude to people either.
Silly silly me. |
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| Doors |
[Mar. 8th, 2006|04:50 pm] |
I had a rather embarassing encounter with some swing doors at uni today.
I was thinking about sex. Well a particular scenario in my head and wasn't paying attention to the doors. I was walloped full on in the face and nearly fell backwards. People laughed, I tried a goth scowl but it came out looking more like a poofter pout.
Pride dented aside, today has been pretty good. |
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| ....................... |
[Feb. 20th, 2006|11:18 pm] |
I want you to hold me
But only in your memories
That’s a place where you find it ok
That’s where I can be what you wanted
An ideal
A dream
The reality is boring
It dawns on you that you are free
Oxygen inhaling
My significance exhaling
You are now at one
Good luck in your search
The person you want
Will now crawl to your knees
I will make my flight
Making an eye at a new moon
Orbiting that
Making myself further from you
I wanted you to want me
That isn’t how your heart felt
I am the one that is a temporary fix
The thing that will do
Not the lasting legacy
Nor the one you wake with
I bid you no malice
Nor contempt |
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| About Blank |
[Feb. 15th, 2006|04:15 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | melancholy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Megalomania-Muse | ] |
I feel really empty at the moment. Must be my predisposition to the blues. I feel mentally worn at the moment. I'm not functioning, I feel really lonely today although I chat to people etc see people out and about.
I just want to crawl under something and be cuddled. I spend some of my time puttimg a brave face on things, keeping bravado and an exterior but inside I feel as if I'm crumbling. I have such a self destructive thing going on at the moment too. I just don't care about myself. I don't care is I don't eat, I don't sleep. I just find better ways ofd escaping from who I am. I put on my fake smiley face when I'm out and about and then cry myself to sleep (when I do go) on return. It's futile. I've been doing this for weeks now, my mood swings are not improving either.
Valentines day sucked. I was expecting it to be crap and I think I was roght. Going out to places that were full yet carried an air of emptiness suited my mood perfectly. I even found a quiet bar last night playing radiohead and blues music. Self indulgent melancholy I suppose I consumed like a greasy bag of chips at the end of a drunken night.
I'm absolutely pathetic in mood at the moment. Don't seem tobe able to interract or speak with people well as I spend the whole time masking how shit I'm feeling. So I blog it out, drink it out and smoke it back down.
This will pass, I'm sure I'll feel better soon. Since Monday everything feels like it hurts. But the silent pain. Like a ringing in the ears, it's there and I don't know how to deal with it. No one else understands me, they think I'm weird wingey and pathetic. I too am thinking that too.
I want to take loadsa drugs and stop being me. People seem to prefer that person to the person now blogging. |
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| foul mood |
[Feb. 13th, 2006|05:45 pm] |
I'm in one now.
Think its PMT and feeling really tired. I hate it when I'm like this.
Why can't I be normal and just be calm or alternatively feel nothing. No wonder why I will spend most of my life alone. It's not attractive and I feel so segragated from everyone and everything at this exact moment. It's sucky stupid and pointless. As am I it seems. |
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| Booooooooosh! |
[Feb. 13th, 2006|12:21 pm] |
I went to Brighton at the weekend to see the Mighty Boosh live with Lisa. It was lovely. Had a really nice meal in a Thai Restaurant on Friday. I swear it's the best yellow curry I have ever had. Champagne was had too. It was nice, kinda had a sad moment though on Saturday. Didn't communicate it, but it would have been 8 months I had been with Lisa, assuming we were still together.
The hotel room was really bad, generators made loadsa noise, oh and the heat in there...fuck me I swear a crematorium has better air con than that room had.
Since being single, I have enjoyed flirting, snogging etc. But something just doesn't feel right. Another thing which is bad of me is that I feel horrible and not jealous but something niggly at the thought of her with someone else. Or sleeping with someone else. It's stupid and wrong of me. She wants to experience stuff, there are people I fancy yet there is this kind of it doesn't feel right. I need to sort this out.
One logical way is to perhaps step off this flirting bandwagon I have placed myself on. I don't know at the moment. Valentines Day is depressing the shit out of me. Just knowing a false exectation and over declarations are in the air, I feel an urge to hide and cry. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 6th, 2006|06:21 pm] |
I haven't blogged much of late. In some ways that may be a good thing. I realised although venting on a page/journal/messageboard is nice in one sense it's very self indulgent in another sense.
I've been flirting a lot of late. I quite enjoy it. Even the feelings I have for Lisa are slightly different. I love her, like being around her but like the way I see her now. I still care about her very much, think about her loads but at the same time have enjoyed attention I have received from others.
I think the way forward to being on the gay scene in London is definitely to perhaps be blessed knowing you love someone but having attention and flings with others. Obviously this doesn't work for everyone. I do want to settle one day and be married etc. But some of the longest lasting relationships I have seen have been of a slightly open nature.
I am also glad that I dont have animosity with Lisa at all. She is a good friend and someone with whom I like to be around. Sometimes at night I miss her. But at the same time I am moving on a bit. As is she.
I've recently come to the conclusion that perhaps conventional relationships might not suit me. I think I'm someone that would be better suited to having one person they love but other people to have flings with. That way I don't get rejected. Yes it sounds selfish, perhaps far fetched and damnright egotistical but I don't care.
I never seem to be the one that gets to dump someone, I run from people. Perhaps in someways I am disillusioned. But I look around and see what kind of relationships seem to work from those who don't and of late the company I have bee keeping has been changing.
The boundaries and ways of love are complex. If I am in love with someone I can't look at anyone else. If in their presence. Everyone window shops.
Still I'm off to Brighton this weekend to see the Mighty Boosh! I can't wait!
There is also a fantastic Thai restaurant that I shall be getting a yellow curry from. I am also looking forward to getting out of London. |
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| My Birthday |
[Jan. 21st, 2006|09:09 am] |
Today is my Birthday.
I'm in a flat mood.
Went out for a bit last night, met some nice people, but being what felt like being stuck in a massive group of lesbians, I started to feel suffocated. Then my mind suddenly dropped. I made my excuses and left.
I suddenly got stuck in a really nasty frame of mind. I decided that myself and everything was shit.
So I just went home as quickly as possible and went to bed. Was asleep by 12.
My period has come today and it hurts and I feel unwell. Still will paint my best fake face on later and will most likely cheer up a bit.
I just want a hug!
Meh.
Oh, I am having drinks in Trash Palace tonight from 7 onwards if there is anyone wanting to come. |
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| A poem |
[Jan. 12th, 2006|12:38 am] |
I wrote this tonight as it's how I feel. I still love her, but understand and accept how things are going to be. I will be friends as not having her in my life would be the crippling part.
Glass eyes
I saw the sparkle leave your eyes
Instead you look at me without a twinkle
The questions that flood my mind
Did you ever think of me?
The way we used to be?
When everything was unclouded
Life was simple and pure
But like sleeping through an alarm
Life suddenly takes a direction
Where you currently are
Needs change
Where you’d like to be
Differs from where you are
Still I keep you in my thoughts
The place where I hold you is private
Although now parted I still feel affection for you
But not an attachment
But I do not glue myself to you
Nor your memory
There comes a time where feelings held
Are no longer mutual
I love you
You brought warmth to me
I previously rejected from others
I thank you
Cleo Leng 2006 |
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| New Leaf |
[Jan. 9th, 2006|12:08 pm] |
Today I'm not going to go out and get completely bladdered.
Also am not in a fit state to be seen much in public. I can't stop crying and I hate feeling like this.
I just want a big rock, lots of sleeping pills and some shut off from the world. |
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| I hate life or just being me.....haven't quite decided yet on that. |
[Jan. 9th, 2006|01:12 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | melancholy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | None | ] |
I do.
Sunday/today has just compounded that.
Lisa and I have split. I still love her, I still miss her, I'm still crying about her now. But still thats life. Oh My Mum also flys to India on tuesday and will be away for a month and I'm filing for bankruptcy.
Yes my life is really sweet. So in part the women I love most in my life either odn't love me in the same way or they fly away and the bank is after my arse.
Oh it's my Birthday in two weeks. I'm really not excited right now about it. Seriously I don't want to celebratre it.
I may as well ask the mice that are being repelled from my flat to come back.
All in all 2006 so far sucks.
I cried in a taxi and then had my bank card declined at a cash point that went out of order today......instead of bashing or kicking the cashpoint like a normal person, yup thats right I cried.
No wonder why no one wants to be near me I'm just this blubbing panda poofy eyed weeping lump thats gonna officially be broke soon and yeah really tell me something positive?
I can't think. Still thank fuck for Tylenol PM |
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| A-Z of crap about me. |
[Jan. 4th, 2006|01:18 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blah | ] |
Boredom instead of internet and living room whoredom is upon me.
A-Z meme
A-Accent: Errrm sometimes fairly well spoken, to really Londony sounding or slightly northern.
B-Breakfast Item: I don't really do breakfast. I usually have fruitjuice followed by whatever is about. Although eating back to front can be fun. EG having Tomato Soup and a roll at breakfast time then a Bacon sandwich at lunchtime.
C-Chore You Hate: I don't like cleaning floors or catching mice.
D-Dad's Name: Norman, but he preferred to be called Jason apparantly. Oh my Step Dad is called Alastair.
E-Essential Everyday Item: Phone and my keys
F-Flavour Ice Cream: Quite like nice vanilla or something poncy by haagen dazs
G-Gold or Silver: I prefer Silver.
H-Hometown: A place called Netherfield in Nottingham. It was a real shit hole where people had a speech impediment; they called a kettle a kekkle, and so forth. Ugh!
I-Insomnia: Yes, in plentitude.
J-Job Title: Student/Freelance Photojournalist
K-Kids: Nope. Maybe one day if I was one of those people who actually sorted their shit out
L-Living Arrangements: Split level one bedroom flat in which I recently shared with some mice. My gf stays quite a bit or I stay at her flat.
M-Mum's Birthplace: Kota Kinabalu in East Malaysia
N-Number of Significant others Had: Errrrrm are we talking relationships here or just one night stands? I think with relationships its about the quality and not quantity and with ONS well........practice and needs met can cure many a frustration!
O-Overnight Hospital Stays: 3
P-Phobia: Spiders (although starting to overcme it slightly) Birds flapping........I'm such a wimp, really freaky lesbians with the crossed eyes or eyes that do not blink.
Q-Queer: Yes, and proud.
R-Religious Affiliation: Used to be a loyal Devotee of watching sex and the city with an obligatory Martini, but since that went I lost my religious virtue. I don't believe in God or stuff like that.
S-Siblings: I have two half brothers that I know of but I have never met, nor have any desire to meet.
T-Time you Wake Up: Depends. Sometimes I wake up when my gf gets up for work, which is good as it means I have a whole day to do stuff. But at present I wake up later and later and I even like to have an afternoon nap. Me, lazy? Noooooooooooo!
U-Unnatural Hair oolours Worn: I have had red, blonde, pink and a tiny bit of blue.
V-Vegetable You Refuse To Eat: Marrow.
W-Worst Habit: Procrastinating, repeating myself, whinging...........thats all for now me thinks.
X-X-Rays you've had: 2
Y-Yummy: Steak, Chillies, Red Wine, and a few other things I care not to disclose here.
Z-Zodiac Sign: Aquarius |
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| Mouse Wars |
[Jan. 4th, 2006|11:22 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  annoyed | ] |
So far so good.
I plugged in these ultrasonic things as well as layed down so called poison (I think its a fake). The Hercules one hasn't been back so far. Although every little creak sound I hear in my flat I try and establish whether or not its a mouse or just a noise a flat makes. Was meant to be seeing my Mum today but doesn't look like it will happen as Alastair is going there for lunch. Quite often he's there into the afternoon so.......
This really pisses me off. She see's him all the time. They just came back off a week in Morocco,soon are both going to India for a month. Not only was my Mum meant to help me sort out some financial stuff and a load of other stuff. Still, it doesn't seem to matter what I wanted to do today nor anything else. I forgot that where Alastair is concerned the whole world stops, I don't seem to exist anymore and nothing else matters.
She wonders why I don't tell her much about my life anymore, can you blame me?
Still for my life and the support I receive comes a cost. I know this.
Reality can sometimes feel sharp. But I chose this option, so now I should live with it. |
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| 2006 so far...... |
[Jan. 3rd, 2006|10:33 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  cold | ] |
| [ | music |
| | 2+2=5 Radiohead | ] |
I've started off pretty quiet so far. New Years Eve I think I did everything (well bar one or two things) to absolute excess. So now am kinda detoxing.
So far this week, I've hardly eaten nor had any desire to do so. I haven't smoked much and now I have no desire to drink.
That's my main weakness is drink. I don't think I have a problem but during December I was drinking every day. My body now is on a "I no likey" with it. I think I want to try and be a drink at the weekends or a few times a week instead of everyday. I think of the money incurred also.
I also started thinking about why I was drinking heavily, to hide. Like many it is a useful and easily accessible crux. Particularly on the gay scene. Everything seems to revolve around drink. But considering it is full of depressants it's just not wise.
I'm not a very confident person, I spend most of my life thinking I'm shit or reasons as to why I am shit. Self destructive? Yes.
I spend a good chunk of my time assuming many do not like me. I have a pretty good life in many respects. Sometimes I think why I seem to focus on what is shit. This confuses me. Deep dow I think many of us like to feel that we are liked, respected and decent.
Today has been a bit odd.
Got some plug in ultrasonic things to deter mice, but one has re,mained in my flat. I named him Hercules on the basis that he is full of energy and the little fucker ran across my floor earlier and did a little jump! It has been like a stand off but I think the hoover frightened him......I honestly don't vcatre if I hoover him up.
I threw a massive tantrum earlier in the bank: stupid clerk was being a pain in the arse, the queuing for nearly half an hour and being asked for the same info twice, well made me mad. I didn't mean to but I kicked over a leaflet stand!
Then I decided to get some shopping from the Sainsburys in Angel when a bus crashed into the taxi rank. It was nasty to see yet I felt a detachedness from it. It was bizarre, I felt nothing.
I'm not sure if that makes me bad?
I just seem to have days like today where I feel completely disconnected from everything around me. Like I'm in bubble where even people talking seems to be completely muffled. I don't absorb anything.
Last night I had a very strange dream that I was stabbed through the throat but in the dream I could feel it but when it occured it was like my ears popped. It woke me up. I didn't disturb Lisa though so that was a relief. She doesn't sleep so well but seemed to sleep well last night. Which was good. I sometimes feel bad that I disturb her sleep with my noises and slightly restless sleeping tendencies. I don't mean to. She knows this as well.
Tomorrow I'm seeing my Mum. Should really make the most of it she will be away for nearly a month soon. |
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| Errrrm |
[Dec. 30th, 2005|04:50 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  horny | ] |
| [ | music |
| | none | ] |
Something bizarre has started happening to me of late; I'm turning into a housewife!
I actually quite like it. Although some of my fantasies of late would be more fun. I can't stop thinking about sex today. Still good for the endorphins etc.
All I need is a pinny with skulls or something like that on it and I'd be a happy bird. |
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